Interview with The General

Charles E.: General, thank you so much for granting this exclusive interview.  Let me just say in behalf of all Filipinos, it is truly good to see you risen from the grave.

Heneral Luna:  Why, thank you Charles.  I guess we will speak in English since your Tagalog is baluktot, and your Spanish is non-existent.  What is wrong with the Ateneo nowadays?  They don’t even teach Latin anymore, I hear.

CE:  Yes, sir.  But you can now take other languages such as Japanese and Chinese.

HL:  Pah!  Merchants’ languages.  It’s not the same Charles.  An educated man must be at par with the great minds of Europe and be able to debate them in the civilized languages.

CE:   General, actually nowadays Europe is in decline.  Spain is actually a basket case, with unemployment through the roof.  They have to borrow money from the Germans to keep afloat.  And by the way, Japan and China are now the 3rd and 2nd largest economies in the world.

HL:  (shakes head) Unbelievable. Well, I guess the Spanish got their due. To think, when I used to walk the streets of Paris, those Europeans would insult me for my (ehem) compact height and call me le Chinois.  Haha, good for them.  The Chinese are rich now, you say?  They must make good allies to the Philippines, being so close geographically.

CE:  Well, actually we have an ongoing territorial dispute with China.

HL:  Ah, that is bad.  Never go to war against a richer adversary.  I suppose they have many cannon and cavalry?

CE:  uh, yes sir.  On the positive side, the American said they would intervene on our side….

HL:  The Americans!  Iho de Pu** !  Those traitors!  Leche, never trust them.  They pretend to fight with you, and then when the enemy is vanquished they train their cannons on you.  The Americans will only fight for their own interests.  Watch them closely.

CE:  Indeed, general.  Your strategic military mind is exactly what we need at this time.  I don’t know if you have been brought up to speed, but the Philippines now is in poor shape.  Millions of our countrymen are mired in poverty, millions of Filipino children starve and go hungry each day.  There are no jobs to be found, so many have been forced to leave and work as servants abroad.

HL:   Yes, yes. I have been briefed on this.  I am deeply saddened.  In fact, that is one of the reasons I convinced the Powers-Up-There (looks heavenward) to let me come back to mortal life.  I hear there is an election coming up, and I want to offer my services to the people in this time difficult time.  I will run for President, and God willing, I will lead this country by the scruff of its neck to prosperity.

CE:   But General, you missed the deadline for filing of candidacy!  It was last Friday, October 16.

HL:   Do you know those imbeciles at the Comelec tried to dissuade me from filing? They said there were enough nuisance candidates!  In fact, I challenged Andres Bautista, the Comelec chairman, to a duel in Luneta but he never showed up. Coward.  I had to use my strategic mind quickly, so I quickly formed a political party and asked one of my party mates to file his candidacy.  I understand that later on I can substitute my name for his.

CE:  Brilliant, your general-ness.  Incidentally, I think that is what Duterte also has in mind.

HL:   Hmm, yes, the Mayor of Davao.  I hear he is a man of action, like myself.  He has even “done away” with some people.  The same solution I would employ.  He has his Davao Death Squad, I would use my elite sniper brigade, the Black Guard.  Law and order, are paramount principles, Charles.  Without them, there is no republic.

CE:  (shifts uneasily)  Uh, General.  How do you intend to run your campaign?  How would you differentiate yourself?

HL:  I am a member of the ruling elite.  I received the best education in Europe and achieved great success internationally in many fields.  It is true, my political enemies have accused me of plunder. I tell you these are nothing but lies.  It is not true I have stolen from the state coffers and given them to my paramour, Ysidra Cojuanco.  Do you think a Cojuanco needs any more money?  Even now I hear their Hacienda is doing well and they are kingmakers in the political scene.  It is true, I was a subject of Spain but now I am a Filipino citizen.  My lawyers will provide anyone who dares ask my DNA sample.  Anyone who dares question my allegiance to the Philippines, or questions my residency, will be skewered by my fencing sword.  Anyone who wants to look at my medical certificate, prepare to meet a firing squad.

By the way, hailing from Ilocos, I will also appeal to the Ilokanos.  In this country, we always vote for leaders who come from the same region or province.  I have that solely to my advantage.

CE:  (Gulp)  Uh, general….

HL:  I will employ this new invention called Facebook to reach out to the Filipinos.  You know that is how I became famous before?  I am quite an accomplished satirist.  I started my own paper, La Independencia and it soon got under the authorities’ skin.  My pen name was, Taga-ilog.  Haha, witty, no?

CE:  But sir, I think few people get satire now in the Philippines.  Filipinos even mistake The Onion and The Adobo Chronicles for real news.  Maybe you should hire somebody from this time?  Ed Lacierda?  Abigail Valte?  Manuel Quezeon III?  Although those guys are already hired by Malacanang.

HL:  (rubs chin)  In that case, I will employ a contemporary columnist.  Maybe Teddy Boy Locsin.  I like his style.  He suffers no fools and he lets loose with the well-timed curse words to good effect.  We see eye to eye.  I will call him Teddy Man Locsin, give him the proper respect he deserves.

CE:  Good idea, sir.  You may also use my blog, notesfrommyphilippineisland.com , if you wish.

HL:  Thank you Charles.  I like you, you must run as my VP.  By the way, do you really have your own island?

CE:  No, sir.  This is all satire.

HL:  Ha?  Ganun ba?  You mean this microphone is not live?  Punye<CENSORED>