Interview With A Terrorist Mastermind

DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS A SATIRICAL ARTICLE. IT IS ESSENTIALLY A JOKE ARTICLE AND WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. THIS ARTICLE WAS NEVER MEANT TO MAKE LIGHT OF TERRORISM AND ITS VICTIMS.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is actually a holdover from one of my previous works that I wrote a year before I joined the wonderful circle of GRP. It was an affectionate parody of the American cartoon show G.I. Joe as well other Hasbro produced shows like Transformers and Inhumanoids and was made to be something similar to The Dictator and The Interview. I discontinued it when things didn’t turn out the way I had hoped but I’m bringing it back because of some recent events that need to be addressed and not in the usual way as some of our readers may misinterpret what I really want to say. 

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Record begins…

Grimwald: Hello GRP readers, it is I Thaddeus Grimwald here at a secret and secluded studio where I will be interviewing the infamous Captain Cottonmouth, leader of the clandestine terrorist organization simply known as “Anaconda”. If all of you are curious, Captain Cottonmouth and Anaconda are some of the people who helped me put this article together.

(Two people enter the studio both of whom are dressed in black regalia with red trim. One is a woman of considerable height and beauty with long black hair and a pair of spiked-heel boots that make her even more imposing. The other appears to be a man of average height and build but has what seems to be a small boxy TV in place of a head with a picture of Will Ferrell’s face hastily taped across the screen.)

Grimwald: Ah, welcome Captain Cottonmouth and good evening to you too, Countess.

(The woman only politely nods to Grimwald and leaves.)

CC: Well, it’s certainly good to be having this interview, Mr. Grimwald. I was getting a little bored in my secret base beneath Antarctica. I’ve apparently run out of crossword puzzles to do and both the Countess and Dr. Bendover have gotten tired of playing pick-up sticks with me.

Grimwald: Well, after the various terrorist attacks that happened in France, Beirut, Iraq and many other countries, we at GRP decided to get firsthand information on what it actually means to be a terrorist organization and what are the processes that keep it together. While I wrote an article before about how to form a terrorist organization, with your help of course, we want to know more about their inner workings and the challenges of running and maintaining a terrorist organization. But before all that, we’d like to know what Will Ferrell’s picture is doing on your uh…

CC: Oh, that’s supposed to be my disguise.

Grimwald: Disguise?

CC: That way, I won’t be easily recognized by my enemies, especially Goose agents.

Grimwald: Really?

CC: Yeah, have you any idea what they’re like?

Grimwald: Um, okay… I guess… Anyway, moving on. We’d like to ask what is the most important factor in keeping together a terrorist organization. What is it that makes some terrorist cells so resilient that they can last for decades or even more if given the chance?

CC: I’m not going to mince words here so I would have to say “sympathy” is what can allow terrorist organizations to not just survive in a given country but thrive. Of course, we all know that it’s essentially misplaced sympathy, but “sympathy” nonetheless. I know it’s tricky for a determined terrorist organization especially if you have a good number of atrocities under your belt but if you can’t garner sympathy from the general public, then your organization is doomed.

Grimwald: Could you please expound further on how “sympathy” can be used to fortify a terrorist organization?

CC: Ah well, it is like this you see: If you’ve ever read The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis, you’ll notice one character is called out on using pity as a weapon. Using sympathy to protect your terrorist organization is one good way to make sure that you’re never really taken down. If you can effectively humanize your terrorist organization in front of the common people even when you are in fact responsible for inhuman atrocities like mass rape, sexual slavery, brutal torture, genocide and destruction of public toilets, you can still be sure that someone, somewhere will side with you.

It’s all about the “Victim Card” Mr. Grimwald. If you present yourself as a “victim” to the public eye, not only will some people protect you, some will even join you of their own accord! If you show that you do what you do because you’re poor, dumb or depressed, you will never want for allies and supporters. Never mind that you take advantage of the poor, use the dumb as human shields or make fun of depressed people, if you can present yourself as one of them (even when you clearly aren’t), then take it from me that people will side with you in almost any argument.

Grimwald: Now, next question: What kind of allies do you need to gain to ensure that your terrorist organization succeeds in its goals?

CC: That should be a no-brainer, my good Mr. Grimwald. What you need are stupid people. In fact, if a country is filled with stupid people, you can be sure that terrorists have a well-funded cell there. Connected with the statement above about sympathy, these are essentially people who see only what they want to see, hear only what they want to hear and know only what they want to know.

These are the people who easily miss the fact that you are a terrorist and that kidnapping, rape and murder of innocent people are part and parcel of what you are. These are the people that see only their vision of a perfect world rather than the gritty and grimy world that’s actually in front of them. These are people who, when looking at a ravenous polar bear, will think that they are essentially looking at a big and harmless sheep.

Grimwald: Okay, moving on: What does a country need to have in order for a terrorist organization to get a good foothold in it?

CC: That’s pretty easy too. What you need are weak leaders.

Grimwald: What do you mean by “weak”?

CC: It doesn’t need to be anything specific as long as the leader in question is weak. It can simply be selfishness. Lust, a weakness for the opposite (or in some cases the same) sex. Or simply cowardice, such as refusing to take responsibility for anything.

Come to think of it, I think your President Aquino is a good example of all three.

Grimwald: What makes you say that?

CC: Well, first of all, he cares more about his personal image rather than his people. Note, for instance, how he’d rather make his own people suffer than make his own sacrifices for them. He likes to call them his “boss” but he’s the one who actually bosses them around.

And no, don’t tell me that he’s some kind of “chaste hero” who’s married to the job. The Countess and I have encountered various pictures and footage of President Aquino inappropriately interacting with his significant other in public places. Then there’s the fact that his face looks like he’s almost always happy in the pants for some reason.

Then there’s the fact that he refuses to take responsibility for anything. Did a bunch of cops get killed in his service? Well, it’s their fault for having a “misencounter”! Is the country still poor? That must be the fault of his predecessors!

Grimwald: Now, some of our readers would like to know, what is your opinion of the Paris Attacks and the global reaction to it?

CC: I know this is going to sound hypocritical since I’m also the leader of a terrorist organization but, honestly, I’m appalled by it all.

Grimwald: Really? Why so?

CC: Truth be told, if I were them, I’d go directly attack Russia. I mean c’mon, Russia’s their biggest enemy out there, not France. Sure the French can be really rude sometimes but that doesn’t mean they deserve to be attacked. If someone bullies you at school, you should pick a fight with that person, not the hapless nerd minding his own business.

However, I am also appalled by the people who only started caring when France was attacked even though various parts of the world have been under attack before then. Isn’t a Syrian child every bit as precious as a French child. Why pray only for Paris when there are people all over the world who are victimized because of religious and ideological persecution?

Grimwald: Okay, in relation to that question, does your organization have any connection to the MILF?

CC: Well, actually, there’s quite a bit. Um, our cook, Mrs. Sneft has three kids but is probably one of the more beautiful women in our organization. There is also Ms. Tuck, one of the nurses who work for Dr. Bendover who’s a hot single mom. Hope she gets married soon though, she deserves a happy life after all. And, if you want to go that far, the Countess can also be considered MILF because she has a lot of adopted children, most of them war orphans in fact. Of course, being a lesbian, she doesn’t have children of her own.

Grimwald: I… Uh… I’m talking about the terrorist organization in the Philippines…

CC: Oh, those guys! (laughs)

Well… How can I say this?

They came to us alright. They wanted Anaconda to support their activities. However, I just couldn’t take them seriously. I laughed at their faces when they came over. I mean come on! MILF, really? You’re a bunch of guys and you call yourselves MILF?

They try to demand respect of course but, with a name like that, who will take you seriously?

(rolls on the floor laughing)

It almost reminds me of that Johnny Cash song, what was it? The one about the guy with a girl’s name?

Grimwald: Is it My Name is Sue?

CC: Yeah, that’s the one!

Grimwald: Okay, next question, what do you think of the people who say that you and Anaconda are just copycats of Cobra Commander and Cobra?

CC: Hey, I resent that! We were inspired by them! That doesn’t mean we’re just copies of them. Dr. Bendover’s pretty unique. He has dreams of attaching people’s digestive tracts together. Then there’s Knucklehead, who’s dumb in his own unique way. Besides, even Cobra Commander and Cobra are just expies of Baron Zemo and Hydra from the Captain America comics. Don’t tell him that though…

Grimwald: Okay, I’ll take your word for it… (smiles)

So for my next question: As a terrorist organization, do you have plans to attack anyone and how?

CC: Actually, we do!

Dr. Bendover has designed a new biological weapon in aerosol form that we intend to release via air-drop over various densely populated cities all over the world!

Grimwald: What kind of biological weapon?

CC: It is a special bacterial compound that has been specifically made to dissolve clothing in a matter of seconds! Once released over a given community, the bacteria will quickly devour people’s clothing, including their underwear, in less than a minute! The bacteria is airborne and once released will quickly spread to any surrounding communities until everyone is effectively naked!

(Captain Cottonmouth takes from his coat pocket a vial of green fluid.)

CC: Behold, Mr. Grimwald, Anaconda’s means of WORLD DOMINATION!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Gunshots are heard outside and a lithe figure crashes through the window. The figure turns out to be a tall statuesque woman with short blond hair wielding an automatic pistol in each hand. She points both in the direction of Captain Cottonmouth.)

Sexy Blond Woman: Surrender! Goose is here to arrest you, Captain Cottonmouth!

(The Countess bursts into the studio with her assault rifle.)

Countess: I will not let you take Captain Cottonmouth alive, agent of Goose!

CC: That’s not very encouraging Countess…

Anyway, don’t shoot! You’ll hit the-

(A stray bullet hits the vial and it breaks, spraying the entire studio with green mist. In less than a few seconds, the clothes of everyone in the studio dissolves. And yes, that included the Countess and the Goose agent. Blood suddenly bursts from Grimwald’s nose and he loses consciousness.)

End footage…