Trying to Penetrate a Crazy Mind

[This is satire.  Exact similarities to actual names and events are coincidences, and should not be construed as intended, as intent is only to tickle.  Do not read too much into the names and events for they may be true, or may not, but if you do, writer shall not be held liable for the resulting state of mind, which is the sole responsibility of the reader.]

“The madman is not the man who has lost his reason.  Hitler, Stalin, Mao and Pol Pot had excellent reasoning faculties, but disengaged themselves from reality.” — GK Chesterton

Income Tax Reform

I called the Speaker the other day instructing him to kill the Income Tax Reform Bill.  What is Miro Quimbo doing?  Doesn’t he know that I am also for the simplification of the Income Tax so the Philippines could significantly broaden its taxpayer base.  I also know that low income earners need a tax relief very badly — 32% tax rate is just too much for these people; it’s way up there, the highest in Asia. 

What difference will it make, though?  People are already used to paying the most expensive electric bills; thanks to Gloria’s EPIRA Law.  We are also used to paying the most expensive internet, yet pokey connections.  High fuel cost, prohibitive food prices, etc.  Miro shouldn’t put in the mind of people that there are things that are not expensive.  People will again think my administration has not been doing anything.  Ay naku, this Miro, I thought he was in my team.

I am not stupid, insensitive, or something, ya know, but their timing sucks.  They can’t even muster a quorum for my BBL, and they want a bill on tax relief as a priority?  Ano sila, masaya?  I already lowered the tax on the Christmas bonus; what more do they want?  No can do, Josh, they gotta be joking.  Time to think of retirement, and I can no longer wait when we would have all the hours again to ourselves with our favorite computer games.  You got that, Josh?   

Answering the Questions of Josh

…..Of course, Josh, your Tito can retire at age 56;  hello, I became president.  Ain’t that something?  Someday, Josh, you will also be president, so better listen to yours truly, Tito Noynoy. 

…..Nah, your Tito Gibo will never win because he has a fantastic CV.  Voters don’t know what CV means.  Like, ya’ know, what curriculum vitae is.  CCT is what they understand.  Actual cash.  Not, some paper like CV, or tax relief.  So, Miro shouldn’t be teaching the people.

…..You’re right, Josh, Mar Roxas also has a good CV; not as great as Gibo, though. 

…..Very good, Josh.  You guessed correctly, Mar will lose too.  Absolutely.  He already lost to our friend, your Lolo Jojo Binay.  See, Josh, you’re already learning and know better than everyone else.  Stick with me, and you’ll go places.

…..Ah well, I am just helping Mar, so if in case he wins, ya know, baka makalusot, then your Tito Noynoy will also be known as a kingmaker.  But you are right, our friend, Mar, will unfortunately lose.

How To Become President 101

Your Tito Noy became a President, because in 2009, when your Lola died, they decided to create what has since been known as the Noynoy Phenomenon.  This was to prolong your Lola’s Cory Magic.  So, to hell with CVs.  Cory Magic has proven to be quite profitable to our friends, so it was worth extending the illusion to me.  You recall, Josh, I was initially hesitant?  As you can see, it separated us when we wanted to be together.  But, that is a price famous people pay; we don’t own a great deal of our time.  But now, I’m glad they did push the Noynoy Phenomenon.  I’ve learned a lot on the job and now understand many things.

The Context Before the Illusions

You were not yet around, Josh, but your Lolo Ninoy was killed on his way to talk to Marcos.  He knew he could talk to Marcos because they were at the root Fraternity brothers, even if media painted them as mortal enemies.  The public are always blood thirsty and enjoy a political combat, or any duel, whether that helps the country or not.  See, how they suck up to boxing matches, especially those of Manny Pacquiao’s.  They have a crab mentality and like it when others look like them trying to bring down somebody. 

But there was nothing petty about Dad and Marcos.  It was really a war, and in war, nobody wins; all parties suffer.  The Aquinos have suffered, as well as the Marcoses.  The country suffers because the citizens continue to perpetuate matches and battles in whatever arena, in whatever endeavour.   They are the autistic ones, not us, Josh.

At that time, Marcos was losing control; so many competing forces, known and unknown, were coming into play, and Dad had to come in secret.  There were upheavals; sooner or later, there was going to be a revolution, bloody or not.  Dad wanted to prevent this, as revolutions are very iffy propositions.  They could usher in prosperty, but there will be more chaos before things get better.  It was often a topic during dinners in Boston if the Philippines could handle the chaos post-revolution.

Actually, it was the Reds that managed to destroy the country.  They keep on blaming Marcos and insists on restitution from the abuses of Martial Law.  But, Martial Law was not possible without their Maoist agenda.  Philippines used to be the hub of multinational companies.  On the pretext of protecting labor, they waged strikes left and right on companies, not to mention their revolutionary taxes and pillage of the countryside.  Slowly, the companies left the country; some closed down. 

Their effect on the economy was devastating.  So, we have terrible unemployment today because of them.  Foreign direct investments are hard to get; here, it is worse, fingers have already been burned before.  As a protection against irresponsible unions now, management had no choice, but to come out with ENDO, and this has brought insecurity and untold psychological anguish on those who work. Joe Ma lives in the Netherland like a king; one bank account alone shows a deposit of EU 80 million.  So, if we demand restitution from Marcos, why can’t we demand the same from the Reds and the Leftists, some of whom now sit in Congress without remorse?

When Honor Started To Be Tentative

If Dad managed to talk to Marcos, the Philippines would likely have transitioned into changes that would have been much more manageable.  Nothing abrupt would have been a better route; the same way that Indonesia, China, etc. were able to manage the gradual changeover into democracy and market economy.  Dad knew that Marcos was a reasonable man if he could just reason out with him alone.  Dad respected Marcos, and we were sure Marcos respected Dad too; otherwise, Dad would not have attempted to come home.  They just happened to be on the opposite side of the political spectrum, but they were both honourable men.

…..What, Josh?  Now, hear this, young man.  You are an Aquino, even if Salvador is your family name.  You don’t want to know who killed your Lolo.  Let the public speculate about that, not us.  Speculation is what has created the Cory Magic.  There is no point in upsetting the apple cart; are you listening, Josh?  I was just talking of smooth transition, and you are talking of an abrupt change.  Who was the mastermind of the assassination, that we will have to carry to our graves.

Now, to get back at what I was saying.  I said that it was a time when honor still mattered.  Sure, there was corruption.  But now, I understand.  If you are a President, you meet parasites in and out of Malacañang every minute of your waking hours.  On top of that, there are snakes in every room of the bureaucracy.  If I didn’t have the power of the purse, then they will just walk all over me.  Constitutionally, it is Congress that has this power, but how can you allow all the autistics there to control me?

Money is power, and power is about money.  They have to be a President first before they will ever understand my DAP and PDAF.  How else could I have kicked out the most corrupt Chief Justice the Supreme Court ever had?  Sometimes, the end justifies the means.

When Honor Started To Have a Different Meaning

During the time of Dad, they understood what money meant and what power meant.  But, when honor was demanded, money and power were always subjugated to honor.  Mom tried to carry this legacy of honor.  Recall Conrad de Quiros was, in fact, impressed that Mom would not even allow her grandchildren to snitch a pencil owned by the Palace.  But, what did they give her in return?  A series of coup d’etats.  I even have a bullet in me to remind me of those.  They should have known by then that I wasn’t like Mom, but a masamang damo — Tito Noy is still alive despite a bullet inside him, Josh.

Today, it is all about money and power.  Honor went on vacation; decency seems to have all been erased from the culture.  How could you manage a society of this kind.  For a while, I thought of how I could carry Mom’s legacy in a decaying atmosphere and a morally polluted air.  I could not tarnish the reputation of Dad and Mom, but I also have to play the game the corrupt play, or I would be paralyzed.  After all, Uncle Peping said once that only the stupid would not have gained wealth if given a chance to hold public office.

Rollin’ With The Punches

Fortunately, there was the rumour that Fr Bu tested me as being crazy while I was in Ateneo. I am an Abnoy has served me well.  That is called rolling with the punches, Josh.  See, people could never think of me as corrupt.  With Mom’s reputation as a cover, I as an Abnoy will always be deemed as straight as an arrow.  Because I am stupid, it is the KKK that will always be seen as corrupt.  It will also be a waste of time to sue me; I could always plead insanity.

But those on the know know I have money.  See how even the Harvard, the Wharton, the Yale, the AIM, guys brown their noses with my ass.  Even those not in the know, like the media and the showbiz guys, love me.  They are showbiz people so they like guys who appear to be clean, but they are the first ones to smell money, dirty or not, even when it is a mile away.  Josh, don’t tell your Mom I said that.

Jim, Leah, Vice Ganda, etc, idolize me.  I would have given Jim a position, as I have with Riza, etc.  But Jim thinks he knows better than me on how to run a country.  How could that be; I was not in Section F like him?  He could not even win a baranggay election, Josh.  He only loves fame and would have been a vexation to my KKK who are all good at dodging the media.  I like when they disappear as necessary, for that is also me.  My working relationship with KKK has just been great.

If there is one thing Jim could teach Mar, it is that one could anytime be his own man.  There is life after a thousand fumbles.  It is just matter of having a kapalmuks.  Now, people see me see me as my own man.  I’m no longer Cory’s Mama’s Boy.  The only problem is I am running out of years and fumbles.  Mar is scared to fumble, but his name is fumble, and so is Jun Abaya.  If I was not perfect, Josh, these two would have long been fed to the dogs.  It is important to keep one’s honor.

Learning to Maintain a Clean Image When There is Sleaze

But see how even the Harvard, the Wharton, the Yale, the AIM, guys brown their noses with my ass. Your Lolo Jojo is something else, however.  I was shocked that he was trying to compete with me.  He was trying to look clean as me, and he had to be exposed.  He is no match, Josh?  He only has Limlingan while I have bagmen galore.  There is Ocho-ocho; he has managed well the Three Kings of smuggling at the Customs.  Then, there is The Tree; that even if he is out of the DILG, the gambling lords still pay him respect.  Then, there is Dinky, who I never thought was a great magician.  Imagine, Josh, she made the billion dollar foreign donations to Yolanda disappear.  I told you, Josh, honor is gone.  They are not ashamed.  But, these are still good people because they don’t allow their sleaziness and their low lives to rub on me.  My image is still that of Mr. Clean, Josh.

The one I worry is about Jun Abaya.  I told him to avoid the media, but he seems also to avoiding me now.  Maybe, he wants a bigger share of the loot, but all KKK have equal shares.  I could not understand why he had to meddle with the computerization at the LTO, the maintenance  of the MRT, and other things.  He is dragging the name of my administration.  But, the society has no honor, so they don’t care if he is dishonorable.  He is now the problem of Mar.  Me, I am already on a retirement mode.  Josh, you heard that?

Which remind me that Ocho-ocho better submit to me a new budget for the election campaign.  Mar is gonna lose anyway, so we should keep the budget tight; just enough to make it look it is a credible campaign.  We can’t waste money.  I should think of retirement now without expecting any protection from Mar.  He is like Jun Abaya.  They screw up things.  That is what I was saying, Josh, both of them have the best CVs among my KKK, that is why.

Retirement

People should appreciate that I cannot just be an ex-president.  I am now part of the Davos Crowd.  They are captains of industries and have earned their right to be in the Fortune List of top billionaires.  They are the too-big-too-fail guys.  Without expecting any help from any successor, I will now have to position myself as too-big-to-be-sued.

The people will have to pay.  If they didn’t stop the BBL, then I would have won the Nobel Prize.  There is no need to be too-big-to-be-sued, I would have been okay with being too-prestigious-to-be-sued.  Now, Plan C will become very expensive for the people.  But who cares, they don’t understand honor.  Noynoy has to be a billionaire like all my Davos friends.

Cesar Purisima is not a multi-awarded Finance Manager for nothing.  He is like a guy who keeps on stuffing the fridge with food, and even buying an additional fridge, even if the household could not consume that much food.  Don’t worry, Josh, someday you will understand, but government today is awash with money.  Cesar has made Noynoying an economic model.  No need to do anything, just flood the system with money and create a bubble economy to create the illusion that everything is fine and dandy.  My successor has to watch it.  We could burst this bubble anytime if he ends up antagonistic.  He will have so much economic problems, and people will beg for my return.

See, Josh, there is now Php500 Billion unspent last year.  This year, the same amount will be unspent, which would bring the total savings to Php one trillion.  That would be our pabaon.  Half goes to me, half goes to KKK.  They will be too-big-to-be-a-whistleblower.  500 Billion, that is about USD 11 Billion, a net worth of a typical Davos Crowd.  I will be too-big-to-be-sued.  Don’t fret anymore, Josh, your Tito Noy is well secured.

I should not have sent Ping Lacson to Leyte.  He must have contracted a watching virus there.  Ever since he came back, he has not done anything, but watch these savings.  He can watch all he can, but Butch Abad is a genius.  That money will be in our pockets before Ping knows about it.

So, Miro does not know what he is doing.  If he keeps pushing his tax reform bill, people might notice it is an issue close to their stomachs.  If it becomes an abdominal issue, then it becomes an emo issue.  Kim Henares said it will cost the government Php30 Billion.  Sure, we could afford it, but I could not tell him the Php one trillion is already a pabaon.  He should have pushed the tax reform much earlier.  So, I just told him that giving money to people without honor is dangerous.  People should re-learn honor first before they are allowed to get hold of more money.  Miro has to be stopped before this turns to an uncontrollable gut issue, and our pabaon may be in jeopardy.

See, Josh, they will think I have no honor when I step down and the Trillion is gone.  They will have tantrums, but this is a culture that appreciates the “ma-abilidad” — look at the poll numbers of your Lolo Binay.  In time, they will forget.

I will still be the Best President in history because they will realize that I would have been the first president who told them, by words and deeds, that all Filipinos are suckers.

They are not worth dying for.