Disclaimer: This is another of my parody articles. This is essentially a dedication to commenter Hyden007Toro and his carabao Kardong Kalabaw. While this is not true like all the other parody articles I’ve written, it’s one that I wish was true.
Ladies and gentlemen, in observance of this year’s Philippine independence day and the oncoming approach of the 2016 Presidential Election, I am proud to introduce you all to the candidate I will be voting for!
From the fields around Vigan City, I give you Kardong Kalabaw, a hard-working and forward-thinking blue-collar (actually wooden) worker. His aim is to change many aspects of Filipino culture and society to make the Philippines a better place for both its people and its animals.
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Here is a short list of some of his party members:
- Asyong Aso for Vice President
- Pepay Pusa for Secretary of Defense
- Dodoy Daga for Treasurer
- Kelly Kambing for Auditor
- Kikay Kuneho for Muse
- Momoy Musang for Escort
But don’t take my word for it! Here are some of the changes that Kardong Kalabaw seeks to espouse once he moves into office:
Government
- The government will change from being a presidential system to a parliamentary one.
- All political candidates must undergo several tests for qualification as a politician before they will be allowed to run for office.
- All citizens attempting to vote must also undergo several tests in order for their votes to be counted as legitimate votes.
- Immediate scrapping of the BBL or any other treaty or agreement made with terrorists.
- The Philippine government will no longer negotiate with the MILF (unless they’re Sarah Pailin) or any other armed rebel group unless they surrender themselves and their weapons to Philippine police and military personnel.
- Complete and total dissolution of the senate and congress and installment of a new one.
- Enactment of the anti-political dynasty bill.
- All personnel involved in politics will not be allowed to run for any political position on pain of excruciating pain.
- A formal apology about the bus hostage crisis will be submitted to the Chinese government followed quickly by a declaration of hostilities and then another apology (but not withdrawal) of said declaration of hostilities.
Business
- The business sector of the Philippines will be placed under the supervision of Kiko Kuwago until further notice.
- Protectionist policies will be abolished.
- 40%/60% will be made into 150%/150%.
- Foreigners will be allowed to establish and own their own businesses in the Philippines including/especially lemonade stands.
- All businesses are required to create their own song and dance routine which they will perform every 6 p.m..
Military
- The Philippine Armed Forces will be placed under the supervision of High Marshal Buboy Buwaya until further notice.
- Minimum military training (proper handling of firearms and basic hand-to-hand combat) is mandatory for all citizens 15 years (actual combat roles will only be given to those aged 18) and up, regardless of gender, creed or social standing. Exemptions will only be allowed for people with disabilities and health risks.
- ROTC will be a requirement for all schools, both public and private alike.
Religion
- A new religious sect headed by Pope Totoy Tupa will be immediately established and recognized by the government. It will be an “animals-only” religion.
- Religious groups will be closely monitored by the government.
- The Catholic Church will be henceforth disallowed from interfering with government policies until further notice.
- Any other religion sect or group attempting to interfere with government policies will not be allowed on pain of excruciating pain.
- Stockpiling of weapons will be considered grounds to disband a religion.
- Bloc voting will be considered grounds to disband a religion.
Education
- The Philippine Department of Education will be handed over to Amorsolo Ahas until further notice.
- The K-12 system will be retracted from schools and will be placed under thorough review before it is re-implemented into the system.
- There will be a substantial raise for all teachers in both public and private schools in order to encourage them to provide better education for our children.
- Foreigners will finally be allowed to teach in schools in the Philippines.
- School books that are biased, inconsistent or laden with propaganda will be committed to the incinerator immediately after they are discovered.
- The anti-bullying law will be strictly implemented in all schools and in all levels and those caught bullying students will be used for the target practice (non-lethal rounds, mind you) of the ROTC and other military trainees.
- A uniform code will be made for all students 18 years and above:
- Female: All female students 18 years and above must wear skirts that are NOT longer than their upper thighs.
- Male: All male students 18 years and above must wear shorts that are NOT longer than their crotch level.
- Teachers in the college level are not required but encouraged to wear BDSM gear complete with riding crop.
Judicial and Law Enforcement
- The Supreme Court and PNP will be subjected to the authority of Gina Sanchez the Giant Siphonophore until further notice.
- The Commission on Human Rights will be disbanded permanently and will be replaced by the Council of Human and Animal Rights headed by Pipoy Pating.
- Alan Purisima will be immediately expelled from office and must join a meeting with Gina Sanchez at the bottom of Mindanao Trench.
- Police officers who are caught committing crimes against the common people will need to be executed immediately or will have to visit Gina Sanchez in her office at the bottom of the Mindanao Trench to argue their case.
- Police officers who are caught riding motorcycles without helmets will then be forced to ride their motorcycles without pants as punishment.
- Littering will be considered a grave offense and the punishment will be severing of the fingers.
- Urinating in public will be considered a grave offense and will be punished by mutilation of genitals.
- Vandalism (spitting in public, desecration of public property and heritage sites) will be considered a grave offense and will be punished by public humiliation (being whipped while nude).
Media
- The Philippine Media will be strictly supervised by Kikay Kuneho until further notice.
- The MTRCB will be disbanded and the PMW or Philippine Media Watch will be established in its place in order to monitor all forms of media from movies, TV shows, books to video games.
- Anino Studios is to be re-established immediately to produce new games for Filipino gamers.
- Teleseryes will be forever banned from Philippine TV on pain of excruciating pain.
- TV5 will be disbanded and changed to a channel that only shows and produces documentaries both foreign and local until further notice.
- GMA7 will be disbanded and changed to a channel that only shows and produces anime 24 hours a day.
- ABS-CBN2 will be disbanded and changed to a channel that only shows and produces pay-per-view hardcore pornography 24 hours a day. There will be a special on weekends that will show local celebrities engaged in BDSM, bestiality and scat porn.
So remember everyone!
Kardong Kalabaw Para Sa Marangal Na Pag-Unlad Ng Pilipinas 2016!
KARDONG KALABAW FOR PRESIDENT!
I HAVE RETURNED TO LAY WASTE TO OUR ENEMIES!
I LOLed.
Of course, you do realise that Hyden Toro’s carabao will have to give out P500 notes to everyone if he (or she) hopes to win the election? I mean, you don’t seriously imagine people care about the carabao’s policies, do you?
Don’t worry that issue will be addressed in one of his interviews later on.
In fact, I’m going to work closely with BANC (British Animal News Central) after I finish up with “Deep” for Kardo’s interviews. There’s going to be quite a bit of that as we get closer and closer to election day.
With Kardong Kalabaw at the helm, it’s going to be more serious fun, real time, big time.
i’m registering back at the COMELEC just for this guy!
Thanks Thaddeus…My Candidate: Kardong Kalabaw is better than those, the Media are trying to “force feed” into our minds.
Kardong Kalabaw will never:
(1) Make any promises, he cannot fulfill. Nor do any rhetorics, or do oratory speeches. On the rreason that: he cannot talk.
(2) He will not own large areas of lands, like the Hacienda Luisita. He will never own, more than he can plow and till.
(3) Surely, he will never STEAL , from the National Treasury. He has no need of Money. He needs only a few Hectares of grazing land.
(4) He will never win elections, by HOCUS PCOS. He cannot understand computers. Nor, he has any fund, to hire Computer Hackers.
(5) He promised to contribute to the solution of our rice shortage. By working overtime, in plowing the rice fields.
(6) He will also require all candidates for Public Offices, to undergo Psychiatrict Tests.
(7) Anybody, who will question his “Integrity”, will be a suspect of having “mental illness”; and will be requred to go to Mental Asylum confinement…”siguradong pasok ka sa loob ka ng Mental Hospital”…
(8) He will not make any bad deals with the Terrorists: MILF/ISIS/Al Queda. Because, he does not know, how to read and write…
I recommend for you all to read; George Orwells book: “Animal Farm”. It was writen as a satire for the Soviet Union. The Animals (Pigs); overthrew the owner of the Pig Farm, and took over the Pig Farm. Like the former Soviet Union; going from Communism to Stalinism. The animals became Worse than the Pig Farm owner…like the former Soviet Union, having its :Gulags, KGB, summary executions, state slavery on its people; leaders living in luxury, while their people starve, etc…
It is a good book…it happened also in the Philippines, on the so called: “EDSA Revolution”…the people, who did the coup d’etat, became Worse than Marcos, whom they overthrew…
HydenToro
I’m sorry but some of your facts are wrong. He can talk. I’ve already set him up with an actual FOX reporter.
I’ll show you the details when I finish with “Deep”…
Okay…maybe…by Mental Telepathy….
@ 0099HT007, you were doin alright till you threw in the USSR, it was a ‘people’s republic’, Stalin defeated NAZI-Germany by Jan.1943 and you have probably never even known that the entire German 6th Army, headed by General Von Paulus, surrendered over two full years before the rest of the world tried to claim the victory of the war.
Lenin ,for his part, was a street rabble rouser who rallied the ‘common man’ to overthrow the DYNASTIC RULE of the Romanov family,who lived lavish life-styles while everyone else starved.Kinda like the Fail-ippines today,huh?
Tell me oh great wise man: Which country does the Philippines resemble more? the one under the Romanov’s (who were sent into exile to work on a farm,like common people’ for 18 months just to see what it was like,yes?being a serf ?) before they were butchered like swines, so the country would be rid of the DYNASTIC SCUMBAGS FOR GOOD….. or the one that Lenin created?
I understand you were not around for any of these events and neither was I, but do not believe the BULL-SHIT you read about a place you have never been to.I have been, and the Philippines looks more like a DYNASTIC RULED ‘FEUDAL OLIGARCHY’ than the USSR ever did….and you might all do yourselves a favor and treat the Fail-ippine elite’s much the same way as Lenin treated the Romanov’s……a doubt about that there can not be.
@Bing Bong:
You can read the nobel of Soviet writer : Alexandr Solzenitzyn ,”Gulag Archipelago”…Solzenitzyn was an officer of the Soviet Army; but was a dissenter. He was exiled to Siberia…all that took place in his exile there, was in his book.
George Orwel’s book: “Animal Farm”, was a satire of the Stalin’s purges, during the reign in Stalin’s era.
Maybe, the Romanov dynasty was bad…but, the Soviet era was worse. George Orwel’s book: “Animal Farm”, was not published, during the World War II time. For fear that the book would destroy the alliances of the British, U.S., and Soviet Union. It was only published and sold openly during the Cold War.
If it hurts your “communist” mindset. Then, so be it. “Bato bato sa langit, ang tamaan ay huwag magagalit”…
“Gulag Archiphelago”, by Alexandr Solzenitzyn is availalable on bookstores, on line bookstores, etc..
George Orwel’s , “Animal Farm” is also available. It is good for weekend reading.
@ HT, it doesnt ‘HURT me in the least, George Orwell NEVER lived nor visited the USSR, neither did I. But I have been many places I’ll bet you have not, and the Fail=ippnes is not a democracy,it is a joke of a democracy, a ‘Feudal Oligarchy’ is more like it.The USSR was ‘Feudal Socialism’, not real Communism either.
MY POINT IS: (maybe you missed it coz you Flip’s are always thinking your being insulted,even when your not!) The Filipino Elite’s Deserve the treatment the Romanov Family received.’Complete with the ‘House of special treatment (do you know what that even was?) and the butchering that ended their ‘serf- apprenticeship’.
I am not a commie either A$$HAT, the industrialists that ran the Western world saw what happened to Czar Nicolas 2 and created Hitler to rid the world of the Lenin led ‘Worker’s Revolt’ in Russia that threatened to move in to Europe and then the USA. The USA backed Hitler,built his army (Through the ‘Union Bank’,39 Broadway,NYC,NY…Grandpa Bush,Rockefeller and Henry Ford,Ford supplied the engines for all Germany’s Panzer’s) and then fought against him so as to ensure they’d be on the winning side and declare terms after the War.
and furthermore, the published version of ‘Animal Farm’ was a different version than the one Orwell originally wrote and it only appeared,after signficant editing/rewriting after Orwell’s death in 1950 and his family had to capitualte as they fell on hard times.It seems George wasn’t so good at handling money….and his second wife had to sue the people that robbed him, get this, on or near his deathbed.
A ‘triumvirate’ (a sadly diminishing number,but damn ! You Filipino’s are so fuckin dense,people give up on you !) that is trying to spur you people to act,and act on something that is greater than yourselves…….is trying to reach you ,and knows about what they speak…….so,really Man, don’t be an ingrate jackass.
dude, a cat managed to become a mayor, so why can’t our humble carabao? 🙂
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stubbs_(cat)
i just noticed this one:
“Immediate scrapping of the BBL or any other treaty or agreement made with terrorists.
The Philippine government will no longer negotiate with the MILF (unless they’re Sarah Pailin) or any other armed rebel group unless they surrender themselves and their weapons to Philippine police and military personnel.”
If they don’t surrender so what then? another war and continuous rebellion. I think we can end this by diplomacy so the country achieves peace and order. wala nang magiging problema ang mga foreign investors if a country has no internal warfare in it. magastos pag may giyera at rebellion it disrupts peace and order then it will cost billions of pesos. sayang pang dagdag sweldo din sa mga titsers and agrarian reformation ang pera.
Please wait Andrew.
There will be an upcoming series of interviews for Kardo and his staff. That specific issue will be discussed when both Kardo and Buboy Buwaya are present to make their statements about their agenda with the military.
#ISupportKardongKalabaw #2016Election
One can only wish at least half of that would come true, problem is most likely none of that would ever come true.
#LaughingStockofTheWorldForever #YanLangAngMayForeverLOL
All hastags aside, if this guy really ran for President, he’ll have my vote for sure. Realizing this was a parody, I guess abstaining would be the best choice. There’s really no lesser evil to be honest, that lesser evil will become greater evil at the end of the day and it’s still bad. So, why fuck myself? lol
Anyway nuff said.
The SHIT that comes out of this BULL is cleaning and less toxic than the REAL BULL-SHIT that comes from the politicians in that full of shit Senate HOR house and President BS ,whats his name?
@Grimwald,
This carabao has more sense of direction than any of the “winnable” candidates there are in flipland right now. Make sure you keep us updated when he will file his candidacy ha.
But maybe I can suggest he tones down with the Porn programs IMHO, maybe it should be moved at a later tie say after 1 am and be available to all channels TV5 will have porn documentary, GMA will have hentai porn and ABS CBN will have the standard porn. nyahahaha!
ABS-CBN will only be allowed to air BDSM, Scat and Bestiality porn with their celebrities after 1 a.m..
Bing Bong:
What happen in the Philippines, is the business of Filipinos. I am informing my fellow Filipinos, the best way that I can…I’m not a leader of any of kind. I am a common GRP blogger…like the rest of the bloggers… I travelled also thruout the world. I’m gainfully employed; and I can afford it.
My wife and I sometimes take time, to visit the good places in the world. So, I’m not as ignorant, as you think…
Grimwald,
I like this article very much. But can you pls add a similar one but then a serious attempt with you as president or prime minister or king or Führer or as dictator (I am very serious now). I would like to know what you wanna change, when, how and why.
A) the flag
change or unchanged
B) the national anthem
change or unchanged
C) Politics
presidency or parliament
D) Defense (land, sea & air)
E) Education
F) Economy/Business
G) Religion
H) Laws and Constitution
I) Media (newspapers, radio, TV & Internet)
J) Culture
K) Transport (public & private)
L) The population
M) Miscellaneous