Psst… Hey!
Yes you, the one reading this article right now. Are you interested in making some money? Of course you are. The cost of daily living can be quite taxing. Literally.
So are you looking to make a quick buck? Don’t worry, this isn’t some kind of business scheme. It’s something much, much better! Besides, I promise you, if you follow the steps, you won’t even have to worry about taxes or the B.I.R., that’s pretty much a guarantee!
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So what’s the big secret?
You need to start your own religion! Eh, not convinced? Well, first off, you have to remember that we live in the Philippines where traditional folk beliefs are all too often confused with modern religious doctrine. Couple that with misplaced nationalism, an isolationist mindset and moral myopia, then you have a gullible populace to work with who will gladly hand over their money to you for some of the silliest of reasons imaginable.
Also, please note that this is the Philippines. There are many ways to start a religion, heck one guy even started one with UFOs and there are actually people who worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster. However, let’s stick to the current conventions of the Philippines, since this is where you want to make big bucks. After all, religions, especially new ones are only moderately successful in making money anywhere else beyond the Philippines.
So, okay, let’s get started!
Step 1: Think Of A Cool Name For Your Religion
Well, the thing is, if you want to start a religion, you need to give it a cool name. Anything else will probably fail and fade into obscurity. So you gotta pick up a good name for your new outfit.
One of the best ways to pick a name is choose a popular religious leader to associate your religion. Then before the name, add the word for a group or place such as “church” or “conclave”. Then you have for yourself a good name for a new religion!
Suggestions:
(Feel free to mix the names and add your own ideas!)
- Circle of Jesus
- House of Muhammad
- Spawn of David
- Children of Gabriel
- Army of Michael
- Outhouse of Job
- Urinal of Judas
- Coprology
- Slaughterhouse of Satan
Step 2: Think Of A Cool Backstory For Your Religion
The thing is, in order for your religion to be successful, you first need to think of a good story of how it all came together. Note also that the more mysticism you add to your story, the better. Now, it’s entirely up to you how to put your story together but make sure that you can cover the inconsistencies with mystical hullabaloo and, whenever you encounter any kind of mishap in its structuring, be sure to handwave it with stuff like: “This is the will of God/the gods!” Or “This is the work of the Devil!”
Suggestions for a good backstory:
- You locked yourself in the toilet and a voice from the toilet bowl spoke to you about being its chosen champion.
- You got trapped in your septic tank and the substances within formed writings that told you of prophecies and teachings.
- You walked in on the wrong restroom in a strip club and got knocked out for your troubles. While unconscious, you had a vision which prompted you to start your own religion.
Step 3: Find People To Hate
Goebbels, Hitler’s propaganda man in World War II, pretty much summed up one of the basics of human nature: We are all essentially looking for someone to blame for our troubles. Even when said troubles are “natural” disasters and cannot be attributed to any one person, people will still look for someone to blame. Even if their troubles are self-inflicted and caused by their own greed or pride, they will still search outwardly for those they can throw responsibility and accountability on instead of shouldering it themselves.
That’s why it is very important to give people what they want: Someone to hate. Someone they can blame all their troubles for. Here are some popular choices on who to point at that your followers can hate.
- Homosexuals (never gets old)
- Atheists
- A rival religion (Catholicism for Protestants and vice versa, Muslims for Christians, etc.)
- Foreigners (paint them as the “foreign devil” or “white devil” archetype for extra flavoring)
- Any minority group (I would actually add Jews to this list but there’s not enough of them in the Philippines to be significant)
Step 4: Create False Statistics In Your Favor
Okay, this is kinda tricky but if you’re really careful, you can put a “divine” spin to your story.
For instance, there’s a major earthquake or any other natural disaster. Be sure to mention that a lot of the casualties are some of those mentioned in the list in Step 3. Make it so that it seems like what happened and their deaths are a result of divine retribution.
After that, make sure to minimize the casualty results of your own followers. When a lot of them and your structures are destroyed anyway, be sure to omit them from your records.
Step 5: Create A Sense Of Exclusivity
Make your organization exclusive. Choose only those who you want to join you. Try to avoid people who have critical thinking, they will be your undoing, believe me.
When delivering lessons or sermons, focus on the idea of “only us”. Remember, there are a lot of other religions out there. To compete with them, you need to make your converts feel “special” somehow.
Optional: Use Bible Verses In Your Favor
If you’re going for a more “Christian” bend to your new religion, be sure to use a lot of references from the Bible. You can take the words out of context or say something that is completely different from what is being said but never forget the chapter and verse. Chapter and verse is very important because mentioning them to common Pinoys makes it sound cool and makes it appear that you know what you’re talking about even if you don’t.
Step 6: Discourage Inter-Faith Socialization
Discourage your converts from interacting with people from other religions. Like I said, if you’re starting your own religion, you’ll be facing a lot of stiff competition. Drawing your converts away from social activities can prevent them from realizing that you’re hoodwinking them out of their money. Here’s a list of what to do:
- Avoid Birthday Parties (of people not of the same religion)
- No Christmas Celebrations
- Discourage Other Forms Of Celebrations (anniversaries, company parties, fiestas)
- Discourage Your Converts From Getting Group Roles At Work Or In School
If asked why, here are some convincing excuses:
- It will distract them from their responsibilities of being a follower of your religion
- It is an affront to God/gods
- It is of pagan or unbeliever origin
- It is a way for the Devil to lead people astray
Step 7: Doomsday Fear-Mongering
Okay, this is the most important part of your new religion. You see, one of humanity’s most memorable and noteworthy emotions is fear, so be sure to use it to your advantage. Remember steps 3,4,5 and 6? Okay, be sure to use these to create a sense of foreboding among your followers.
Tell them repeatedly how important your religion is and how it is the key to surviving the apocalypse. Using steps 5 and 6, you can convince people that only your religion is the righteous one and favored by your deity of choice. As for steps 3 and 4, show people that the fate of those who disobey the laws of your deity of choice are fated to be destroyed during the end times and their souls will be condemned for all eternity.
This way, you can make your converts obey you through the use of terror. Insist to them that only those who follow you to the letter will be eligible for salvation while everyone else goes to a giant oven or become food for eldritch abominations.
***
There, now you know how certain people and organizations in the Philippines have gotten rich over the years. So let’s go out their and save some money- I mean souls! 😉
I HAVE RETURNED TO LAY WASTE TO OUR ENEMIES!
Grimwald,
pls allow me to respond in a serious way.
I do like your article, I really do. But you still think there is room for yet another religion?
If I am not mistaken the latest (and hopefully last) “new kid on the block” is the scientology church founded by Lafayette Ronald Hubbard (better known as L. Ron Hubbard, a science fiction writer, I might add)
Yep, I know about that. But remember, Scientology has yet to reach the Philippines so there may be time to create yet another religion.
Robert,
Unlike the shoddy reasoning in this article that tends to depict ALL RELIGION as being some kind of confidence game, ‘Scientology’ REALLY IS A SCAM.
L. Ron Hubbard, like yourself, was hostile to religion (most notably Christianity). When he lost the copyright on his original pseudo-scientific ideology — ‘Dianetics’ — to one of his financiers (Don Purcell) he effectively lost control of the organisation. In 1952, Hubbard filed for bankruptcy. He then contradicts himself and claims to have developed a new RELIGIOUS system/philosophy based on his fake therapy, even attempting to appropriate major traditions from Buddhism, Taoism and Hinduism. Given his former stance on organised religion, it is not surprising that his reversal still permeates with insincerity and hypocrisy even to-day. More likely, Hubbard came up with the ‘Scientology’ scheme to avoid paying taxes and as an attempt to regain lost control over the Dianetics organisation. These observations are supported by the fact that while the Scientology’s ‘supernatural’ elements are central to its cosmology and its doctrines, they remain marginal to most aspects of organisational operations. Then there’s the evidence of a letter Hubbard wrote to one Helen O’Brien (who, at the time, ran an independent Scientology church in Philadelphia) in 1953 describing how ‘to make real money’ by ‘developing the religion angle.’
Hubbard’s original antipathy to religion, and the fact that did he not give Scientology a religious interpretation until AFTER he experienced financial difficulties and membership decline, indicate that he saw religion as a way to make money and protect his techniques from scrutiny by mental health and medical regulators (and likely tax agencies) while trying to replace psychotherapy.
Hmm…
Actually, I was always wondering why Scientologists are so anti-psychotherapy. But now, it comes out that he degrades psychotherapy because it might reveal him for the fraud that he is. Thank you for this tidbit Johnny Saint.
Grimwald,
You misunderstand.
The origins of ‘Scientology’ have their roots in ‘Dianetics,’ L. Ron Hubbard’s original counselling system. Scientologists to-day still practice Dianetics, as well as other ‘Dianetic’ groups separate from the Church of Scientology.
Dianetics is itself a form of psychotherapy (counselling/talk therapy). It was one among many FADS that emerged in the 1950s with the developing trend of humanistic psychology, a psychological perspective that deviated from Freud’s psychoanalytic theory and B. F. Skinner’s behaviourism. The ‘humanistic’ approach emphasizes the individual’s effort to achieve ‘self-actualization,’ the process of realizing and expressing one’s inherent capabilities, and creativity.
Hubbard described ‘Dianetics’ as a mixture of “Western technology and Oriental philosophy.” Closer analysis of its concepts will show that it is terribly unoriginal and does not distinguish itself in any way from the popular conventions in psychology being indulged at the time. Dianetics is not accepted as a scientific theory; rather it is widely considered as a glaring example of pseudoscience.
Because the practice of Dianetics is part and parcel of the Scientology ‘religion,’ members of the church are barred from seeking medical treatment that (according to the church) does not conform with the concepts of its counselling system. As a result, Scientologists are prevented from being treated by psychoanalytic (Freudian) therapists.
—
As a ‘religion,’ Scientology claims protection in the United States under the First Amendment. This has always been their shield against being exposed as frauds. That, and the strict regimen of mental conditioning (read: brainwashing) the church imposes on its members.
Johnny,
I am not against religions. I just find and think most religions are scary (or should I refer to the followers/believers of a religion?). I just wish that most believers would be a bit more skeptical and critical towards their own religion.
It is hardly possible to find a country where people with different belief-systems can live peacefully next to each other.
Back to scientology.
I am not an expert about this “religion” but I watched the HBO documentary “Going Clear Scientology and the Prison of Belief”.
If everything is true – whats been said in that documentary – then indeed its scary. No matter what, its all about money in the end.
Is atheism the best solution? Well, we atheists dont have a book that dictates (brainwashes/indoctrinates) us how to live. We dont have churches, we dont have priests etc. So nobody can give us foregiveness. We have to deal with our stupid mistakes and make damn sure we wont make those stupid mistake again. Bec if I do make stupid mistakes over and over, for sure, I will lose my friends and all of my family members. They just dont accept mediocrity. And neither do I myself.
Do I have flaws? Yes of course. But I am will make damn sure that they will not surface every day and in the process I will turn those flaws into traits close to perfection.
There is always room for one more religion… because there will always be gullible people.
Thaddeus…I will have one…called: “Eternal Orgasm”…if you will join my Planned Religion;after your death, 72 Virgins will be waiting for you in Paradise; all ready for sexual activities…good food; 72 mansions;72 servants for every virgin, who will become your wife…
Requirement is U.S.$500,processing fee…non-refundable. If you commit suicide, and become a suicide bomber, to kill any non believer/non believers…immediate entrance to Paradise will be sure for you…
So, Thaddeus, will you apply to become my “High Priest”…
No. I don’t care for virgins. I want MILFs.
I would rather worship Isis, Frigg, Hera and Aphrodite (if Eros is her son, she counts) because they are all super-hot MILFs. So no, NO VIRGINS for me.
I will only become your High Priest if you agree to add… Uh, I don’t know… 26 Milfs to the 72 virgins? Or why not just 72 MILFs altogether?
Step 9: Follow This and Deny
Make your members think that other “false” churches exists due to exactly what this article says – “make money” while exempting yours.
Good addition.
However, I think you miscounted the optional choice above as one of the steps.
Nonetheless, well done and feel free to add more!
and don’t forget to build an arena.
and don’t forget to build your own largest arena…
and say “It’s all for the glory of god.”
Actually this is
Step 10: All For the Glory of God
Teach your members whatever it is that you want them to do (bloc voting, crowding, etc) all for the glory of god.
and don’t forget to build your own largest arena…
and say “It’s all for the glory of god.”
Actually this is
Step 10: All For the Glory of God
Teach your members whatever it is that you want them to do (bloc voting, crowding, etc) all for the glory of god.
and don’t forget to build your own largest arena…
and say “It’s all for the glory of god.”
Actually this is
Step 10: All For the Glory of God
Teach your members whatever it is that you want them to do (bloc voting, crowding, etc) all for the glory of god.
The religions I hate the most are those that encourages selfless acts, even giving up your life for the cause! Why would god make me live only to die(not from natural causes)? Self sacrifices are a thing for the herd and it helps keep its numbers up, I don’t care about the herd, I care about mutually beneficial relationship with equals.
This totally sums up religion here.
Let me add one other tip else that will really make your religion fly.
– Make sure to hobnob with the rich and famous, and politicians. They should be among the most prominent members of your religion. They are not only the best endorsers or contributors of money for your religious organization, they can also cook things to serve your purposes. Especially politicians, they can get money and funding that can be diverted to you. They can also make policies that favor you; for example, if you have a rival religion, you can ask the politicians to make laws banning that rival. You can even have policies enacted to force non-members to become part of your religion under pain of death. You can rule the world when you have politics as part of your religion. No politics, you’re just another fly on the wall.
Interesting point there ChinoF…
The above is basically the Catholic Church in the Medieval Ages and in the Philippines in the early 1800s, and Islam (mainly fundamentalists) to some point today, in my interpretation. I also have another tip I forgot to add earlier.
– Your belief system need not be consistent all throughout. In order to have more followers, allow your doctrines and practices to absorb the practices and customs of people you assimilate – even if these customs are pagan. You just need to have people as members, don’t worry about their beliefs and practices. As long as they carry your religion’s banner, even if they are actually against your religion’s doctrines, they provide money and resources as your members. Oh, and if you want to start a fight, take note of ethnic hostilities and enmities. These, aside from quarreling over resources, are the real main reasons for war and conflict. Most religions teach peace, so you need to find another basis for making war.
I’ve read some of those so-called “new age” religions that were more like a cult, and eventually they went on a group suicide which is really one of the scary part of being involved too deep in such religions. Man, Woman, Child…they weren’t spared from this group suicide because their leader told them that the world was ending and that there’s no tomorrow. These idiot sheep followers believed and eventually they killed themselves off.
Leaders of such will have this cult of personality as if he’s the Messiah himself in which his members will continue to drink the Kool-Aid and commit acts against other people sometimes animals or property in which they try to justify that it is an “Act of God”…which is really disturbing and fucking scary.
If this is how religion is, I’d rather not be involved in any. I’d rather make decisions on my own without any outside interference, owe up to my own mistakes(even sins) and fix it.
And I forgot to add that these people simply gave away all of their hard-earned fortune to that leader who was piss-poor than a rat, all of a sudden that man used to be homeless now he has a mansion.
And what’s with this thing called Tithe? Why do I have to give one-tenth part of something like a tenth of my income if that’s not even a guarantee for a first class ticket to Heaven?
Some religions over-emphasize this, some don’t and it’s completely voluntary but sometimes there’s this thing called peer pressure and eventually everyone gives in which really sucks.
religion will not lead you to heaven
@offset, believe me homie, it pays off understanding the subject and replying to it within the context 🙂
Step 11: Reject the existence of material possessions in the lives of your followers and offer it to the “church” for the glory of God.
Step 12: Create cool titles for you and your closest underlings, such as “Supreme Evangelist (underlings have lesser titles like _____ Evangelist)” or “Maximus Omnibus Patriarchus” or something like that
Step 13: Declare that the number 13 is not taboo, it is the holiest number ever!
Right on,Spot on!
Question is….
Can money afford the good will of once Religion???
mega-reverend john oliver ftw!
We’re calling YOU out: IGLESIA NI MANALO and EL SHADDAI! =)
Doesn’t “Coprology” literally mean “Shit studies?” So it’s a church dedicated to politics?
Very perceptive…
“Religion actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man, living in the sky that watches everything you do in every minute of everyday of your life; and the invisible man have 10 things he does not want you to do, he have a place for you where there’s fire and smoke and burning and anguish where you will burn and suffer and choke and cry forever until the end of time… But he loves you, he loves you and he needs MONEY!! Religion takes billions of dollar and spend no taxes. The all wise, all knowing and all loving suddenly can haddle money. Talking about a real BULLSHIT; HOLY SHIT!!!