What do you do when one part of your mind tells you “this is all so wrong…” and another part of it says “…but it feels so right”??
We’ve all likely been in at least one relationship where, at an intellectual level, all the alarm bells just keep ringing throughout. Heck, I was in one that I could probably characterize as just being one big alarm bell. It was a no-brainer: phantoms of his relationship with his ex constantly hung in the air — in conversations, in fat albums in his Facebook account that contained upwards of 200 photos of times spent with her, in the way he always expressed his fear of losing me (which you’d think is cute until you realize that he was dumped by that ex which makes the origin of that erstwhile irrational fear suspect).
To be fair, his relationship with his ex was definitely over — but only in the sense that its end was a one-way street in her favor. The thing with dumpers is that they always enjoy leverage over the option to remain “friends” (and just friends) with the dumpee. The dumpee for his part (the guy in this case), only has the option to accept said “friendship” in the dumper’s terms. In this case he did. So they stayed “friends”.
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What that meant for me at the time was that I had to contend with just that, a boyfriend who was still “friends” with his ex — and not just “friends” in the sense of being friends under its low-bar definition of two people who don’t hate each other, but the sort of “friends” who remain constantly in touch (the high-bar definition of friendship where said two people exceedingly enjoy one another’s company). The prospect of having to contend with that ex factor hadn’t occurred to me for some time after he mentioned on one of our first few dates that he remains friends with the ex who broke his heart (and for a while stomped all over it). It seemed like a cute situation to behold at the time having discussed its nuances over drinks in a noisy party. My thinking, thanks to my giddy self at the time, was challenge!
It’s been challenging, alright. Mr. Spock would’ve not just found all this fascinating but downright illogical. The logical conclusion, in hindsight, was that I started out as a rebound girl and my challenge (at least in my mind at the time) was to make my way up to the top of this guy’s List of People Who I Depend On for Emotional Stability — which, again at the time, made a lot of sense as a challenge for me to take up when considering the sort of robust ego and accompanying self-confidence I thought I had then.
It all became so tiring. That “friendship” with the ex was The Beast. It just couldn’t be cut down to the target size relative to the size of the place in this guy’s life that I envisioned I’d acquire. He remained hooked, and I became obssessed. I’d like to think that my “project” to grab territory from the ex became the defining goal of this relationship. But it seems now that at some level I had also become as needy of him as he was of this ex. The relationship for me became like being mired in a losing gambling streak. You kept losing but stayed at the table hoping to win back your losses and make a tidy profit at the same time. I didn’t want to break my cherished trackrecord of always being The Level-Headed One in every relationship. This one was one where I was has actually losing control!
And what a person to lose control over — a total wus who wanted to have his cake and eat it at the expense of another. So that was that big alarm bell staring me at the face that I chose to look past instead of at the whole time. Mea culpa. Feelings are just so good at hijacking intellect. It’s no wonder that Captain Kirk — and not Mr. Spock — is the hero of Star Trek; because Kirk knew in his heart that he could beat the Kobayashi Maru simulation, a space battle scenario (designed, as it turns out, by Spock) that logic dictated one couldn’t get out of a winner.
Unfortunately in real life, people who consistently lose control over their inner emo are more likely to end up consistent losers.
Frustrated artist doing geek for a living.
Nice article. It never works to stay “friends” after a romantic relationship. Never.
I think some people pull it off, though. Depends on one’s level of emotional maturity, I guess.
It can be done. The only question is, can you forgive and throw the hate away?
There are a lot of things at play when it comes to decision making between logic and emotion. I think the 2 words that sum up EMOTION’s MAIN ARGUMENT is “What if?”
Logic doesn’t have an answer for what ifs. And even if it did, the tendency is, logic would answer “Could be..” “Possible” etc etc. It’s the argument that no matter how “smart” you are you can never really fight against for fear of regret in the future/later on.
But as some people say, I guess the most applicable saying would be “choose your battles wisely”.
It is never wrong to choose to be logical or emotional in a given situation. We are only human. As long as you are not hurting anybody in the process, it is okay. Sacrifice is different from actually hurting, although the lines are sometimes blurry. hehe!
My two cents.
A mind of pure logic/intellect without emotion will be paralysed by an obssession with analysing of every step and decision one needs to take throughout life. Emotion is what gives the extra irrational push and enables the mind to intuitively (rather than analytically) evaluate risk on the fly.
Emotion is a response mechanism learned over eons of evolution that is genetically passed on whereas logic/intellect (and the sorts of responses it generates) is learned within a single lifetime. So emotion has its place when it comes to the need for responses to situations that logic/intellect often proves to be too slow to process…
Maybe that is what makes the dating scene more difficult as we age… we become better at managing our emotions, become less impulsive, become more picky and therefore more cautious and, in the process, narrow rather than broaden our options.
That’s what analysis does, essentially: systematically rule out options.
By contrast, emotions broaden our horizons and makes us more adventurous and willing to try new things (including hangout with a more diverse set of people)…
SWEETHEART, do not be so hard on yourself, REMEMBER, YOU are a SWEETHEART, and it will be HIS loss. The guy sounds like a loser who is still in-love with his EX, and both of them sound as if they are keeping in touch as some sort of weird ass safety net. From the looks of it, you can do better and MUST believe it. You even refer to the guy as a WUS, and who needs that? MOMMA? You need a MAN, one who will look out for you/put you first on the list where you belong. OR move along before you get seriously injured, if you aren’t already.
Get rid of both of them and do not look back. Unfortunately you sound like you are becoming a ‘train-wreck’ and if your life is beginning to look like one, the sooner you cut-off all contact with these two ‘pretenders’, the better.
Some alone time might be a good idea.
Be good to yourself, YOU DESERVE IT!
Awwwww… thanks Joe. Don’t worry. You may feel like killing yourself while in the middle of such crises but gain a lot of war stories to tell friends when (and if) you survive such things. I’d like to think you become a more interesting person when you’ve got a few scars to display… 😉
I’m reminded of that scene from the movie Jaws where the characters of Richard Dreyfuss and Robert Shaw were comparing their massive scars from shark attacks while the city cop character of Roy Scheider could only produce an appendectomy incision scar…
Religions and good upbringing provide you with, the way of right or wrong. Not your logic.Spock, Star Trek, etc…are just fantasy shows, for entertainment. This is where to use religion , for good. Not to oppress or murder people, by suicide bombings, etc…to get to heaven…
If I would need to use religion then the girl could never have ended the relationship. “For better and for worse”? “In sickness and in health?”. The religion gives me no freedom to end any relationship.
Upbringing goes much further and much deeper than that.
Depends on what religion we are talking about. Because not all religions are teaching sensible things concerning relationships. On the issue of upbringing, you can only do so much as the environment around you can really “change” you. I agree with Hyden Toro, religion and upbringing works hand in hand concerning this. Both are influential in molding your views, learned values and principles in life.
So if I read you correctly then all those people who were not raised, not brought up in any kind of religious way are bad people without getting the rights and wrongs in the only correct way? I believe, think and know that change can and must come from within a person and it will only be a bonus if that change is supported by his/her environment. But the environment is no strict requirement to change from within one person. I learn more from mingling with all sorts of different people having all sorts of DIFFERENT views than an unflexible book (bible, religion). Other different views may open my eyes and may open my mind to add and change a view I once had about a certain issue/topic/subject.
Now who and what is more openminded? A book or a living, thinking, critical human being?
I wonder (and I am talking about a Philippine situation here): Is there a difference between a “dating & courting” situation and a “married” situation or is there none?
What if the initiator (the person who actively ends the relationship) gets second thoughts, doubts and finally regrets ending the relationship? Or does that process never happen in the Philippines? I guess in such a situation it might come handy we still are “friends”. Otherwise both might have changed their addresses, their cell phone numbers, their Facebook account names, their email addresses and finally they both visited a plastic surgeon (lol).
Now what if both were/are collegues or students in the same class (Sophomore)?